National Teen Dating Violence Awareness & Prevention Month

I don’t know about you, but I remember high school with vivid clarity even though I graduated what seems like a million years ago. Drama club, Choir, Colorguard, boys…sigh. High School was fun. One of my favorite months of the year was February because of Valentine’s Day. Being the hopeless romantic that I always have been, I looked forward to it with a passion. I couldn’t wait to see if I’d get roses from a secret admirer or be asked out by my secret crush- the biggest nerd in the drama club.

Call me naive, but dating in high school seemed very innocent. I was a “good girl,” but still I didn’t know many girls at all who had gone all the way with their boyfriends or even had a serious boyfriend at all. It seemed like we were all just trying to get our first kiss. We hadn’t even imagined anything bigger than that.

Honestly, I was probably rather sheltered. It could be argued that teenage sexuality has become less restrained over the last 11 years, but I don’t pretend to believe now that none of my friends were experimenting with more adult forms of relationships. Perhaps because I was so sheltered, I don’t recall ever talking with my parents about dating violence. Maybe if I had known about it I could have noticed the signs earlier when I did actually get into an abusive relationship shortly after high school. I don’t blame my parents at all. They were probably operating on the same belief that I was- high school relationships are not very serious.
Unfortunately, this isn’t true. Whether or not more girls than ever before are getting into relationships, they are definitely serious. According to the , “1 in 4 teen girls in a relationship report enduring repeated verbal abuse” and “1 in 3 teens report being text messaged 10, 30, 40 times per hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they are doing or who they are with.” These are definitely hallmarks of mental, emotional and verbal abuse. I would hasten to say that teenagers know that it is wrong to be hit by your partner, but we don’t necessarily know the early warning signs like possessive jealousy or cruel joking. Dating violence usually starts this way whether you are a teenager or an adult. Most often he won’t punch you on your first date. It is more difficult than many people know to escape once it has gone so far.

February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and now Valentine’s Day takes on a whole new meaning for me. You can bet I’ll be talking with the young girl that I mentor about the warning signs as well as about what she can do to help her friends to learn about this important issue. Will you also commit to talking with any teenagers in your life?

Until we have mandatory healthy relationships classes in every high school,
Abby

Call of Duty

Have you ever wondered why so many survivors hesitate to involve the “justice” system after an assault? Read on.

~Abby

P.S. I agree with the first commenter. Anna Sachse should receive an award for her article. While reading it, I kept thinking about how fantastic it was that she spoke up about her experience and is challenging the system in a way that she is able to- through her writing. I actually do this as well, both through this blog and other media. In what ways might you use your skills to challenge injustice and change the world? We would love to hear from you!

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Thanks for coming to check out our blog. Please note that all posts are from PWCL members and are opinion pieces. We do not claim to be reporters. We will try to represent details in our articles to the best of our ability.

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Where & When

Rose Quarter
1 N Center Court St.
Portland, OR, 97227
January 27th, 2010
7:00 p.m.

Media Framing of Domestic Violence

I was feeling fairly laid back the day after Christmas, until I came across this headline while perusing People.com: Charlie Sheen Arrested for Domestic Violence. Honestly, I hear about this kind of thing so often that I’m a bit immune to it, but I was absolutely disgusted this time by how People magazine managed (and is continuing to manage) the dissemination of information surrounding this case.

First of all, it jumped out to me that he was arrested on Christmas morning at 11:20 am. That fact alone set my cheeks ablaze with rage. How dare he hit his wife on Christmas?!? Really, domestic violence is wrong any day, but it feels especially vile to me on Christmas morning. Personal rant aside, I continued to read that he was booked on second degree assault, with no mention whatsoever of what this entails. I did some Google sleuthing and came across some information on the website for Colorado Attorney Kevin Churchill (he was booked in Aspen, as he and his family were vacationing there for the holidays). In addition to explaining the exact wording used by Colorado lawmakers when determining the difference between first and second degree assault, “intentionally” caus(ing) bodily injury to another by means of a deadly weapon,” Churchill provides his own clarification for the above legalese. He says, If there was “Heat of Passion,” in other words, you were provoked by the person into committing the assault, then the DA may choose to file the Second Degree Assault as a Class Six Felony, instead of a Class Four, thereby reducing the possible penalties” (emphasis author’s own).  Really? Why am I so surprised? Of course a lawyer would repeat the same vomit inducing beliefs of the court. We don’t know yet whether or not Charlie Sheen will be booked on a class six or class four felony, but we do know that according to family friends who were with the couple the night before, both parties were drinking. I want to ask ‘so what,’ but I know this is all it could take for them to reduce his charge. Gross.

Further, the author of this story on People’s website called the abusive incident a “scuffle.” How is assault with a deadly weapon a scuffle? It’s not, plain and simple. Talking to my coworker about this, she brought up a very valid point. Whether he had the gun pointed at her head or the knife at her throat or if he was doing something else with the weapon to cause her injury, it was intended to threaten death. Which brings me to another point; the next story on People’s website read like this, “Charlie Sheen and Wife to Undergo Counseling.”  NOoooooooo!!! You do not undergo couple’s counseling when you are experiencing domestic violence! This is so basic; domestic violence is not about losing control of emotions. It is about power and control and set up. He planned this- he set it up. A man does not just keep a gun around and then randomly hit you with it when he loses his temper. He had that gun there on purpose so he could threaten her. I know this is truth with every fiber of my being.

Ugh. At least Sheen has returned to Los Angeles while Mueller has stayed in Aspen. No formal charges have been filed yet, but they are apart. I wish that were the end, but true to form, People delivered once more. In a story posted two days ago, Michael Y. Park captioned a photo shown of Brooke Mueller walking to her car in Aspen with the following vitriol  “Oh the weather outside is frightful…but a post-holiday outing in Aspen, CO., is delightful for Brooke Mueller- even after her husband was arrested following an alleged domestic violence incident on Christmas day. Prancing through the posh resort town, Mueller, 32, sported…a big grin that belied the family dispute that spoiled Christmas just days before.” Really? You think she was “prancing?” WTF?! And p.s. So what if she was? Obviously we need to know two things; A. Brooke is who we should be watching at this point and B. How dare she slip a smile after her husband beat her up? Maybe she lied about the whole thing. That is the subtext. Am I right or am I right?

Even though the way this was handled so very precisely models everything that we learn about DV 101 and the culture we live in that perpetuates it, it still pissed me off so bad. I feel angry and helpless- I mean, I don’t buy People magazine and I don’t think many people that read this blog probably do. What impact can we make by pulling our money? We could write letters to the editor and I would suggest we do that. Also, if you live in Colorado, please never consider using Kevin Churchill as your lawyer. More than just putting this bandage on the situation, however, I hope it motivates us to continue educating each other about what domestic violence looks like. We need to stop fooling ourselves through tricks of language and photo-ops. This asshole beat up a woman, his wife, with a deadly weapon. We can’t polish that up and make it pretty again. And despite how ugly it looks, we also need to be brave and educate the young women in our lives. Whether you have a blog that reaches teenage girls or you mentor young women, or you have teenagers of your own, please show them these stories and explain what happened and why it is wrong. Tell them the warning signs to look for, tell them they have services they can access and above all, believe them when they disclose. A listening ear does more to empower than you might realize. Together, we can take steps to prevent this from happening to more young women. It might seem an insurmountable problem now, but take it from this survivor- it isn’t.

Holidays and Humbug

In thinking about what to post this week, I stumbled on the latest clip from one of the most gentle agitators speaking out about racism, hip-hop, and Roman Polanski (among many other things) that I’ve ever listened to - Jay Smooth. This is his take on the holiday season.

So once you’ve watched the video, take a moment to think about the people in our community who may not be having a “happy holiday” at all. They could be survivors of violence who have left their homes and communities to find safety, families without a home, people without family or friends to offer comfort, people whose beliefs do not involve a tree or a large man in a red suit or maybe just the individuals who can’t or won’t buy into traditions that have been commercialized until all meaning is lost.

Take a minute and, like Jay Smooth, try to see those people too.  And if you are one of the people whose holidays this year are less than stellar, you are most certainly not alone.
Happy holidays (*wink*) and, with genuine hope for social change, let’s wish peace and safety in the New Year for all.

Meet the Brains Behind the Sex Worker Outreach Project

As part of a new effort to help you get to know the wonderful folks at PWCL, I would like to introduce you to Crystal, a Direct Service Specialist in the Sexual Assault Program and the energy behind PWCL’s Sex Worker Outreach Project. Crystal was kind enough to share a few minutes with me so I could introduce her to the PWCL blog world. Bloggers, say hello to Crystal!

Kelsey: Who are you, anyway? What do you do at PWCL?

C: I love shopping for temporary dinosaur tattoos at the Dollar Scholar on Hawthorne! It is great fun reenacting prehistoric scenes on my body - another self-care activity of mine.

Thanks for taking some time out to share your deepest, darkest secrets, Crystal. It is great to be able to put a face to the work that is being done, and I hope to continue this with a featured staff or volunteer every month. Keep your eyes peeled for new personalities.

Did you know that this Thursday, December 17th is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers? Did you also know that all week PWCL, in collaboration with the Sex Worker Outreach Coalition, is hosting a film festival of movies related to the sex industry? Today we screened Highway Courtesans at In Other Words Books (Thanks, In Other Words!) and we will be screening Outlaw Poverty, Not Prostitutes tomorrow at 7pm at the Q Center (4115 N Mississippi Ave.). On Thursday, we will screen Live Nude Girls Unite at the Red & Black Cafe (400 SE 12th). Don’t miss out on these opportunities to get more familiar with the issues surrounding the commercial sex industry. Hey, you may even have a chance to chat up with Crystal and ask her about her fake tattoo habits.

See you there!

Lethality and Domestic Violence: 7 incidents of murder-suicide in 5 weeks

There have been seven incidents of domestic violence murder-suicides in our area in the past 5 weeks. 

November 4th: Tameka Medina and her 4 year old son Ashawn were killed by killed by her longtime boyfriend and recent ex, who she had recently fled from. He then killed himself.
November 10th: Teresa Beiser was shot and killed by her recently separated husband in the Tualatin drug testing lab where she worked. Robert Beiser then killed himself.
November 11th: Varsha Suthar and her 9 year old son Ronak were murdered in their Bethany home by their husband and father, Mukesh Suthar, who then killed himself.
November 17th: Ashley Kendall of Myrtle Point was shot by her husband after meeting with an attorney in Coos Bay. Her husband fatally shot himself after he shot her.
November 27th: Cindy England and her adult son Kevin Coleman were killed by her husband, Steve England, who then killed himself in their Forest Grove home.
November 29th: Sheena Mendoza was shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend, Curt Wayne Wise, in the Hillsboro hair salon where she worked. Wise shot himself and died two days later.
December 2nd: An unnamed woman was killed by her husband in their Vancouver, WA home. The couple’s 5 year old child found them dead.

As a survivor of interpersonal violence and staff at PWCL, I take this spike in domestic violence homicides very seriously. Doing this work comes with knowing that we will be faced with loss. Doing this work means we come to learn that when the economy isn’t doing well and unemployment rates rise, that abusers are more likely to abuse and that abuse is more likely to be lethal. Knowing this, still, nothing that I’ve been taught through training or my own experience surviving violence could have prepared me to know that so many people have been taken from our community in the past month due to domestic violence.

I’ve heard my coworkers and friends ask, “what’s happening?!” And yet this morning, as I log onto a local news site, I see that the local Ducks vs. Beavers civil war game is getting more attention than the woman killed just yesterday in a domestic violence murder-suicide in Vancouver. And I have to ask, who are we, really? What do we value?

This lack of appropriate dialogue is nothing new yet it remains completely unacceptable. Please keep these people and their loved ones in your thoughts and take every opportunity you have available to speak out against domestic and sexual violence.

When your coworker or friends says, “hey, did you see that civil war thing on the news?” respond with, “yeah, but did you see that there have been 7 murders due to domestic violence in our community in the past month?”

When you see a domestic violence murder on the bottom of the news sites, write your local news stations and demand more in-depth coverage. Ask them to refer to PWCL in their stories so that others can reach out for help.

Donate to agencies like PWCL that are trying to provide crucial safety planning services to survivors of domestic and sexual violence with very limited resources. As I write this now, the Crisis Line continues to ring as we respond to the more than 26,000 calls that come in from survivors and their loved ones in our area, and we’re having trouble getting to all of those calls. Please think about helping out anyway you can.

All we can do is keep working to end domestic and sexual violence. I focus on that as I step into the office, and it carries with me when I’m not here, too. This is an epidemic that our community has wished to ignore for a long time. How many more lives will be lost before we band together to do something about it?

Mobile Phones and Privacy

Last week I was helping someone with her Android phone (like the newly-released and much-hyped Droid).  She had opened up the Google Maps and was poking around in the settings.  She asked, “what’s this Latitude thing?”

“Latitude sets up your phone so you can share its GPS location on the Internet,” I replied.

“So people can see where I am all the time?  I don’t want that!

With the growth of social networking and the growing number of smartphones in people’s pockets and purses, the risk of unintentionally publishing too much information about you and your whereabouts grows as well. 

Google Latitude (pictured at left) is an excellent example of a useful social networking tool that could be misused.  When Latitude is turned on your phone reports your location back to Google, where it’s published to your friends.  Your friends’ locations are reported back to your phone, so you can see who’s nearby.  Great if you want to know if any of your friends are nearby and up for a cup of coffee.  Not so great if you don’t want someone to know you’ve visited a clinic or shelter. 

Apple’s MobileMe provides a great service to locate your iPhone if it’s ever stolen.  “Find My iPhone” allows you to log into a web site and see the phone’s location in real time.  While it does require a MobileMe login and password to be set up by you (the phone’s owner), if an abuser has access to your computer and/or passwords, they can also track your phone’s movements with no indication on the phone that they’re tracking you.  Additionally, if someone gains access to your MobileMe account they can remotely lock your iPhone, making it unusable as well. 

Many Twitter smartphone clients (Twitteriffic is one example) have the option to automatically update your Twitter location with the phone’s current GPS latitude and longitude whenever you post. Location-based social networks like BrightKite and Shizzow take it a step further, even updating your Facebook status with your location.  Photos taken with many smartphones are often geotagged so that not only is the date and time the picture was taken embedded within the image file, but also the location.  That location information is then available if you upload the photos to Facebook or Flickr.

Tools like Latitude, BrightKite and Twitter are great for keeping in touch with your friends and “Find My iPhone” is a nice way to find a lost phone.  But if not used carefully these tools can also reveal more about your activities than you might want.  I’m not saying these tools are bad or evil - I use most of them regularly myself - I’m just saying be deliberate and careful in how you use them.

1. “There’s an app for that ...” Be sure you understand exactly what the app does before you install it or sign up for the service.  If you’re concerned or unclear, ask someone.  Knowledge is power - the better you understand what your phone is doing, the better off you’ll be.
2. It’s very easy to accidentally make information public on the web.  I’ve mistakenly replied publicly to a private message on Twitter on more than one occasion.  I’ve had friends accidentally post photos from their Blackberry on Facebook that were, well, rather private.  Don’t post private information on social networks - even in a “private” or “direct” message - it’s too easy to accidentally expose it to the world.  The adage “never post anything online that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the New York Times” really is true.
3. Keep your passwords for services like MobileMe and social networks private and safe.  Don’t share them with anyone.  If someone else has your password, they can see and/or reveal the details of your activities.
4. By default tell apps or services to never share your location.  You can always turn it on later if you want, but you can’t un-reveal your location after the fact.  Only turn on location-based services on your phone whenever you’re actually using them.  If Latitude or BrightKite isn’t turned on, they can’t inadvertently publish your location.

Comic courtesy xkcd.com

A full helping of turkey, mashed potatoes, and racism

Of all the freshly minted memories from Thanksgiving ‘09 - the Pumpkin Pie of Epic Deliciousness, the rad day trip to San Francisco, wacky family overload - the award for most memorable moment goes to the Unremaked Upon But Blatantly Racist Comment (UUB). It snuck up on us, this BRC, in the middle of a delightful conversation about art and travel. My uncle’s mother-in-law (of three years), telling us of the time she spent in Italy, remarked that “the Italians are very much like the Mexicans, but more intelligent, obviously.”

While you gasp and reel (as I did), let me fill in some background.

I imagine there are many families like mine: large, with many confusing additions to the table (i.e. the incredibly lovely woman my aunt’s jerk of an ex-husband married after my aunt divorced him), noisy, opinionated and very white, by which I mean to say, unaware of their whiteness. Oppression theory, or even the word “oppression”, is never kicked around the dinner table. The lengthy list entitled “Things of which we do not speak” includes: mental illness, family tragedy, sex (gay, straight, or otherwise), politics, religion and race. Direct, public conflict doesn’t exist in my family. It’s more of a passive-aggressive, private affair that becomes public when grievances are aired after the fact.

With all that in mind, I probably don’t have to tell you that no one in the room questioned the BRC (especially since I labeled it a UUB and you, as a fabulous PWCL supporter/fan/admirer, understand and love the glory of a context clue). The BRC bomb was dropped in the middle of her story and no one gasped, vomited, cried or otherwise challenged what she said. The story segued seamlessly into the next family yarn and the moment passed.

The woman who busted out the BRC is, as I mentioned, my uncle’s mother-in-law. Her daughter and my uncle have been married for a little over three years now, and yesterday’s dinner was only the second time I’d met her. I rarely have the opportunity to see my family and I sincerely doubt I’ll see this woman before three more years have passed or develop any kind of meaningful relationship with her. I’ve only recently begun negotiating the rocky territory of interrupting oppression within my own immediate family and I have a difficult time imagining myself extending that to this grey area of relationships. This woman isn’t exactly a stranger and while I do have something at stake here (familial peace), I don’t have anything invested in our relationship in particular.

Tenuous, ambiguous relationships aside, what I am invested in is challenging ‘ambient’ racism, i.e., explicitly racist statements that, when unchallenged, become absorbed into the overall atmosphere. I’m invested in questioning statements like the UUB and in letting the folks around me know that I will not be complicit in their racism. In other words, my challenge is learning how to balance my political commitments with my desire to be an accepted part of my family. I already struggle with feeling separate, as a result of geographic and philosophical distance.

Have you had a similar experience? How do you deal with oppressive statements coming from the mouths of distant relatives? Post your stories and suggestions in the comments. With your help I’ll be ready by next Thanksgiving.