A full helping of turkey, mashed potatoes, and racism

Posted by Katie C on November 27, 2009

Of all the freshly minted memories from Thanksgiving ‘09 - the Pumpkin Pie of Epic Deliciousness, the rad day trip to San Francisco, wacky family overload - the award for most memorable moment goes to the Unremaked Upon But Blatantly Racist Comment (UUB). It snuck up on us, this BRC, in the middle of a delightful conversation about art and travel. My uncle’s mother-in-law (of three years), telling us of the time she spent in Italy, remarked that “the Italians are very much like the Mexicans, but more intelligent, obviously.”

While you gasp and reel (as I did), let me fill in some background.

I imagine there are many families like mine: large, with many confusing additions to the table (i.e. the incredibly lovely woman my aunt’s jerk of an ex-husband married after my aunt divorced him), noisy, opinionated and very white, by which I mean to say, unaware of their whiteness. Oppression theory, or even the word “oppression”, is never kicked around the dinner table. The lengthy list entitled “Things of which we do not speak” includes: mental illness, family tragedy, sex (gay, straight, or otherwise), politics, religion and race. Direct, public conflict doesn’t exist in my family. It’s more of a passive-aggressive, private affair that becomes public when grievances are aired after the fact.

With all that in mind, I probably don’t have to tell you that no one in the room questioned the BRC (especially since I labeled it a UUB and you, as a fabulous PWCL supporter/fan/admirer, understand and love the glory of a context clue). The BRC bomb was dropped in the middle of her story and no one gasped, vomited, cried or otherwise challenged what she said. The story segued seamlessly into the next family yarn and the moment passed.

The woman who busted out the BRC is, as I mentioned, my uncle’s mother-in-law. Her daughter and my uncle have been married for a little over three years now, and yesterday’s dinner was only the second time I’d met her. I rarely have the opportunity to see my family and I sincerely doubt I’ll see this woman before three more years have passed or develop any kind of meaningful relationship with her. I’ve only recently begun negotiating the rocky territory of interrupting oppression within my own immediate family and I have a difficult time imagining myself extending that to this grey area of relationships. This woman isn’t exactly a stranger and while I do have something at stake here (familial peace), I don’t have anything invested in our relationship in particular.

Tenuous, ambiguous relationships aside, what I am invested in is challenging ‘ambient’ racism, i.e., explicitly racist statements that, when unchallenged, become absorbed into the overall atmosphere. I’m invested in questioning statements like the UUB and in letting the folks around me know that I will not be complicit in their racism. In other words, my challenge is learning how to balance my political commitments with my desire to be an accepted part of my family. I already struggle with feeling separate, as a result of geographic and philosophical distance.

Have you had a similar experience? How do you deal with oppressive statements coming from the mouths of distant relatives? Post your stories and suggestions in the comments. With your help I’ll be ready by next Thanksgiving.